hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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