So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
