So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
