just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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