Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
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