Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
