just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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