i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Randomize
