Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
