There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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