I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
