He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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