if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
