Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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