I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
