she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
