i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Randomize
