Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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