my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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