did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
