go do what you do best...puke behind churches
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
