everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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