I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
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