My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
