Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
