found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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