THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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