so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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