I wish I could teleport
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
