His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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