sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
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