I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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