either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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