he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
