How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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