Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
