Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Randomize
