WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
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