so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
