I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
