Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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