Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
He did a backflip because drugs
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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