my mouth tastes like poor choices
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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