you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
