Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Randomize
