If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
now i know why i became what i already was.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
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