i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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