you guys were way drunker than both of me
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
