so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
