So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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